Quote for Today

"If one day you realize that I haven't talk to you in a while, just remember that you are the one who pushed me away"

~Quotewords~

Yeah...but, I'm not expecting too much on you. Maybe you'll never realize it forever...

How?

Friendship taste good when it's warm. But what will happen if it's already freezing?

It feels weird, really weird. I still can't find the answer why our friendship becomes like this?

At the beginning, I felt that our friendship was like a hotpot in winter that could warm each other and it taste great.

Suddenly, with one mistake that hotpot become like an ice cube in winter which no one ever need it.

Even we already make that misunderstanding cleared, but there's still a strange feeling in our friendship. I never think that our friendship could become the same as it was. But, I still believe in hopes that another story of our friendship will incised another great story in our life.

 

*hopes it's not just me who think like this. I hope both of us…

海容(Forgiveness)

It's been a long time I didn't write the blogs. Lots of thing happens in my life until I got confused in once. All of it affecting every parts of my life. Met someone that could make me regret and always think "why I should meet this person?"

"Why we could become a friend?"

"Why should I deal with that person over and over?"

Why, why, and why….always appear in my mind. I can't find the right answer for everything that I've found. The more I thought, the answer become more confusing. Maybe, the best thing to do is not thinking about that. But yet, I can't deny it from my mind because I'm live so I can't stop thinking. Someone said that the best thing to do is accept it and forgive that person. FORGIVE, it's a word that I could type and said easily but it's hard to be done. The funny fact, I found those two words in Japanese 「海容」, it means forgiveness. But when I look deeper to those two words, I found that it's a combination of words that no one could do it easily. Forgiveness which written in that kanji means tolerance as vast as an ocean. When you look to the meaning of that word, you'll find how hard to do it and it almost impossible for human. Does anybody have a capacity like that?

Letter for My Host Parents

お父さんとお母さんへ

お元気ですか。

私が日本を離れるときあなたたちお2人にさようならを言えなくて、手紙を書くのが今になってごめんなさい。私は日本を立つ最後の時まで荷物のためとても忙しかったのです。私がインドネシアに戻った後、私はまた学校のため忙しかったのです。今、私は少し自由な時間があるのでこの手紙を書きました。

日本から戻って来たあと、ここでの私の生活にたくさんの事が起こりました。私最初戻ってきたとき、私の文化に合わせることができなかったのです。それは私にとって大変ショックで、5週間だけたくさんのことができませんでした。なぜなら違いがあったからです。しかし、ついに私は3～4週間奮闘した後、自分の生活を取り戻すことができました。

私はまた私が日本にいたときのあなたたちの親切すべてにありがとうと言いたい。あなたたち家族とのすてきな週末にありがとう。私たちが話したときの気づかいをありがとう。私は日本にいつもあなたたちとたくさんのことについて話したかった。しかし、最後は混乱で終わっていた。なぜなら私の日本語は充分じゃなかったから。

OK、お父さんとお母さんどうか健康でいて下さい。もし、私がまた日本に行く機会があればもちろんあなたたちを訪ねるです。

 

親愛なるお2人へ

ァディティア

 

「Finally, Japanese is very difficult. I hope, I wrote it right ><」

Freakin Out!

The worst thing that I've ever had is think that my stress could disappear as time goes by.

And now, it makes me under a big pressure. Rather than disappear, it's accumulated. Always in moody state, don't know what happen inside me, and I just let it happen. It's like I want to scream out loud but no voice could come out. There's a time I want to say that I can't do it, but everybody always said "Oh, come on, I know you can do it!" from time to time. Even I really can do it, please give me a break at least. I don't want to break your expectations on me but have you really think that I'm just a human that have lots of limitation and have problems also? I don't want to blame someone for this; I just want you to understand me a little so I can feel fewer burdens than before. I'm really exhausted with all of this. I laugh but not happy, there are friends but lonely, I just feel that I'm totally a stranger who doesn't know anything. Even me, myself, I can't recognize it anymore. Always feel that I lost my community, can't accept what I have to accept, have a high expectations on something that I don't have to pay attention on it. I want you to know about my problems but you seem too busy to hear my blabbering. Many times I give SOS signal but nobody realize it or they just pretend. That kind of thinking always appears in my head. It's my paranoia of course but I can't let it go easily.

Now, I feel that I can't stand it anymore. I try to write it because I'm very bad at telling it. I'm really conscious these stresses decrease every part of me both mind and body. I lost my appetite, start to have some digestive problems, difficult to think and speak in order, sleep disorder problem, moody. Recently I also skipped lots of class because I always feel in bad condition, feel extra tired even I have sleep more than 7 hours, some problem with my digest system also appeared frequently like vomiting. I really need a time for relax, I need time to adjust everything and make it on the right track again, I need time to manage everything, and I need you to say if there's some changes in me that not fit to you, I need you to say whether I should slower my pace or fastening my speed so we can walk together and nobody left behind. I need your help, so I can adapt myself to my new community that I never know before………

I'm just an ordinary people, never become the best one, have been failed so many times, just like all of you……………..

Swine Flu Hysteria

Recently, I see some people are panic with swine flu. I can't blame them because this is a serious matter that happen in our world. But what'll happen if the panic become a mass hysteria? Looks not good. It already happen though. My university in Japan stop their activity for a week because of the swine flu hysteria. I don't know whether it's just a temporary hysteria or not coz I can't read their letter well (it written in kanji 0_O).
But....sometime I hope there's a hysteria like this in my university. coz I really need a break from the assignments that the teacher gave. Hahahahaha.....LoL

In a Wrong tImE and wRong PlAcE with Wrong frIendS

What will happen?
I think you already know the results....

Too Much Different!!!

Posting pertama setelah kembali ke Indonesia jadi pengennya nulis pake bahasa Indonesia aja. Hahahaha....

Waktu mau pulang rasanya masih setengah-setengah. Setengah seneng soale pulang, ga usah bingung dengan bahasa lagi, ga merasa kedinginan lagi setiap saat. Tapi, setengah ga rela juga klo harus pulang soalnya masih pengen main-main sama temen dari berbagai belahan dunia, merasa nanggung sekali belajarnya, masih banyak tempat yang pengen diliat disana. Nah, tapi mau ga mau tetep harus pulang soalnya masih banyak urusan yang belum beres disini termasuk kuliah.

Sebelumnya disana sudah sempat stress karena selalu terganjal masalah dengan yang namanya bahasa. Di Jepang tentunya orang lebih menguasai bahasa Jepang, itu sudah pasti. Sekarang permasalahannya aku disana dengan kondisi kemampuan bahasa Jepang yang amat sangat cekak. Nah lo! Jadi rasanya pengen pulang aja. Tapi, setelah pulang...kok rasanya beda drastis. Langsung kaget dan kagok melihat kondisi bangsa dan negara sendiri. Kagetnya sudah ga kaget lagi tapi sampe kuaget pol. Kok!? Ya, masalah pertama adalah suhu yang sangat jauh berbeda. Ya sudah jelas lah, waktu pulang dari sana suhu menunjukkan 3 derajat dan tiba di Ngurah Rai dengan laporan suhu di darat 31 derajat. Rasanya langsung lemes ga bisa apa-apa. Terus, sampe di Ngurah Rai pun masih dipalak pula oleh petugas keamanan bandara. Aku tanya arah buat transfer pesawat dan dijawab bahkan dengan ramah sekali diantarkan. Tapi apa yang terjadi setelah itu? "Ya tadi kan sudah dibantu...sekedar uang rokok lah." Dan aku langsung bereaksi *Ha!? WTF!*, ternyata niatnya minta uang toh. Yah salah satu cermin bangsa juga ini rasanya. Kalo dulu aku merasa ya biasalah. Tapi karena tinggal di negara orang yang punya budaya beda jadi langsung shock. Sewaktu di Jepang sebagai orang asing aku selalu dibantu oleh orang sana dengan sangat ramah dan tidak pernah meminta apa-apa. Sesuai dengan apa yang aku pernah tulis sebelumnya kalau mental orang Jepang bukanlah orang yang suka meminta-minta walaupun tidak punya (sesuai dengan tulisan homeless disana).

Hal lain adalah ketika melewati pemeriksaan bea dan cukai. Dibandingkan waktu aku melewati pemeriksaan yang sama di Jepang, petugas di Bali ini sungguh tidak memiliki tata krama dalam melakukan pemeriksaan dan ketika melayangkan pertanyaan-pertanyaan. Dan aku langsung berpikir bahwa hal ini sangat dan sungguh gila. Katanya, bangsa ini adalah bangsa yang sangat sopan. Tapi ketika itu aku langsung bingung, sopan apanya? Bali sebagai ikon dan pintu gerbang Indonesia di dunia pariwisata ternyata tidak memiliki keramahan yang lebih baik. Dengan mengalami hal yang berbeda dalam waktu 6 bulan saja bisa membuat aku mendapat cultural shock di negara sendiri.

Cerita pengalaman buruk di hari kedatangan di tanah air masih belum berakhir. Sesampainya di Bandara Djuanda, Surabaya aku pulang ke kos dengan naik taksi. Tiket sudah dibeli dan dibayar sesuai harga. Seperti biasa, seharusnya diantarkan ke tempat tujuan tanpa ada protes dari sang sopir. Eh, tapi si sopir ini ga tau gimana susah amat dibilangin. Naik taksi sudah jengkel dengan si sopir, sampe tujuan masih dimintai uang lagi. Langsung lah hari pertama dateng ke tanah air bad mood seharian. Apa memang begini bangsa Indonesia?

Pulang ke negara sendiri yang seharusnya senang malah jadi merasa jengkel.

Little bit…Dream!?

It's been ages not updating my blog. OK! Let's start!

This week until next week will be my final examination week. That's mean I'll go back to my country in no time. Feel happy because I go back to my country and will meet with my friends in my home university but I also will miss my friends in Japan. I've been here almost 5 months, met with lots of people overseas, it's great isn't it? Yeah it's great; I learn how to deal with people with different culture. Sometime it's difficult for me to deal with them because we have a different culture and sometime language also become barrier for us. But, I really can't believe I have been here for 5 months long. For me, it's like I came to Japan yesterday and tomorrow I have to say goodbye to my friends. We just start to know each other, it looks like we start understand our friend a little and getting closer but we have to leave soon. But yet, I feel happy because I met them. I'm happy have this opportunities, I'm happy because I can come here to Japan after 5 years waiting and hoping every day. This was my high school dream and I promised that I'll go to Japan before I graduated from university. I thought it was impossible until I tried it in my second year in university. Yeah, I think it was impossible for me. I have tried my best to go here but I always felt it's impossible or I didn't have enough qualification. There were some ways I have tried. First, I try to focus on my study. But, not long enough I felt it's impossible because I didn't have a good grade. Then, I start to study music and hope I have some competency in music, go to music festival and if I can make it, I will be send to Japan as a representative. But, my music skill stuck in intermediate level because I don't have a good hearing in musical notes. Once again, gave up. I started to give it up completely in my last year in high school. But, I don't know why I can't forget it even a little. My hope and dream was still as clear as before I thought to give up.

After that, I change my mind. I start to focus in my study again. This time, I did that not to get the best grade. I saw myself always try to catch up with everybody without knowing what I really have. I always want to learn what the others can do. But, it's too much, isn't it? It's not easy though. When I thought that I asked myself am I running away? And I never get any answer for my question. But now I relieved that I stop being a human who always want to skilled everything. If I do that, I really running away from myself.

What I want to tell is we must honest to ourselves. We really have something different than others. We have something that nobody has. Even a little it'll be our precious treasure. After said this all, don't think my path will be straight and smooth because I still not find my treasure yet. There's still a long way for me to find it and I want to say "Let's we do the best for it!"

火垂るの墓-Hotaru no Haka

I was impressed by the story of this film. First time, I want to watch it because the film has an attractive title. I didn't know what this film talk about. Ok, now let me give a brief for this film.

火垂るの墓,/Hotaru no Haka literary means Grave of the Fireflies. Usually the word 'Hotaru' write in single kanji (蛍) but they choose to use that two kanji. Anyway, this film was an adaption from a novel of the same title written by Akiyuki Nosaka. It told us about war, yes, World War II.

Make it short, this film want to show us what is war and how much the war cost our life. Grave of the Fireflies is a poignant story between Seita and Setsuko. They are unfortunate siblings who have to survive in the war between Japan and America. Their mother was died in Kobe firebombing, Seita which is the oldest brother and the only man left in the family (his father was ordered to fight as Japanese Imperial Navy) has to protect his mother and sister to fulfill his father only wish. Unfortunately, their mother was suffering from a serious burnt that the bomb caused. After that, he must protect his only sister. War became very serious; they met with lots of trouble in order to survive. They start lacking food; Setsuko was suffered from serious diarrhea because she didn't get any good food to eat. And she died because of her illness, her brother was really sorry for her because he can't protect her sister. In short, Seita also died, he died at San-nomiya station in Kobe. And before that there were a big news, Japan was completely lost from US. And it means Seita's father died in battlefield.

If we reflect upon this story, there's nothing in war. The only one left in a war is an enormous devastation both material and people itself. We also can still remember clearly what kind of war that we witness right now. We are one of the world history witnesses. The questions are appeal; what do we aim for war? Is it a solution? Do we really need it?

In my opinion, wars only bring devastation. We can't use it as a tool to take revenge because right after we start, we'll never know when it will end. Revenge always followed by revenge, isn't it? It's our duty as a human being and as a part of the world to take a responsible action for this matter. What do you think?

p.s. I really recommend all of you to watch this movie, feel the story, think and re-think the story, and share your mind

Christmas Eve Dinner-The Memories

Top (Left to right)   : Cecylia Staniszewska, Marta Kornelia Śniegocka, Piotr Jan

                              Koza

Above (Left to right): Rishi Chakravarti, Martina Staroňová, Me, and Marta’s

                              mother

Christmas Eve Dinner-What a Christmas!

Ok! Let’s continuing the story!

I came to Cecylia’s room (the dinner took place here), the dinner still not finished yet. I help her and Martina the girl from Slovak to prepare the dinner. It was fun.

After the cook was ready and all the guest came we start the dinner. This dinner was in Poland way so there’s something different. First before we eat, we should take a piece of Hostia (in Polish, and in English it called Host, in Indonesian we said Hosti). After that, we came to each other and took a little piece of our friend’s host and said some wishes for our friend after finish to wishing each other we ate the host. We did that to all of people who had dinner with us. After everybody finished, we start the dinner. We talk to each other while eating. After having a great meal, it’ll be….. Hmmmmm… CAKE time! O_O Yay!!! ^_^v

The cake was delicious. It’s from Martha’s mother. And the last one after we finished the cake. It’s time to give present and… Woops! I didn’t prepare anything. I didn’t know they have a tradition like this (and so did Rishi, an Indian man). But, they said it’s ok if i didn’t prepare it because we are in a different culture. I was very happy that day. I really could feel Christmas in that room.

After having that dinner, I felt I got lots of presents with me, got lots of love from everybody. Beside the chocolate that I received from my friends, I also thought that I had a big present from my parents. They gave me life in Japan so I could met with lots of great people. I also still received sms from Indonesia and it means I still have friends that remember me even I’m not with them.

Every simple little thing really worth very much for me right now.

Christmas Eve Dinner-The Invitation

It was a great Christmas dinner. I thought I will have a crappy X’mas eve because I can’t go anywhere and don’t have friend to celebrate with. But, God said something different to my Christmas.

Let’s start the story!

It was a cold and windy day on December 24th. I went shopping, bought some clothes and food to celebrate Christmas alone (it was my last option that I had). After that, I went to convenience store called Lawson to pay my electricity bill. There, I met my friends from Poland. I asked him, “what will you do tonight, dude?” And he replied, “I’ll make a Christmas dinner tonight with my friend from Poland. And you?” I just said the reality, “I don’t have such a particular things to do tonight”. After that he invites me to come. He said, “Why you don’t join us?” And I asked him, “I would love to. Could I?” He said, “Why not? It’s a good time to celebrate. There’s no door closed for anybody on Christmas. If you don’t have anything to do, just come on our dinner at 8.00 ok? Don’t forget! At 8.00”. I just simply replied, “Sure!”

The story still not finish yet…

Baka Mono!

One thing that I regret most now is I didn’t study Japanese before I came to Japan land. Now, I meet with lots of troubles from day to day. My progress in Japanese is not so good. I can understand a little right now, but it really doesn’t help very much. When you can speak a little, people want you more. Yeah it always happen because this is a non-spoken English country. Of course they don’t want to speak in English. It’s difficult for them as it not their first language. Now, I just want to use my time to study this language more because I really look like a moron when deal with some Japanese. I really can’t understand what they said. In this holiday is my only chance to improve it. Because my friend, which is very international, go for vacation to Tokyo. So, I’ll meet with a lot of people who speak in Japanese not in English even it can makes me more frustrate sometime because of the language barrier that I had create on my own. Hufff….

Ganbarimashoo!

Winter Holiday

Now, in Japan we have a winter break for 2 weeks long. It'll be starting from tomorrow until January 6^th. I really don't have any idea about this holiday. I have planned before but I think it's kind of failed because nobody wants to go. The reason is only one; everybody who stays in apartment in winter holiday doesn't have much money to spend. Yeah it's like me also. I don't have cash now, it's sad and craps!

But ok, I'll make another plan for my crappy holiday. First, I'll do all my assignments and papers. Then, I'll cycle around like usually I do in Japan when I don't have cash to spend on weekend. After that, I'll start to organize all my photos which I took in Japan, maybe make some edit here and there with Photoshop. After that, upload it to face book and Friendster. Then, surfing in the internet to get some new downloads. And if my holiday is really crappy, I'll buy one day pass ticket at Nakamozu station and tour around Osaka once again with that ticket and without any intention to go somewhere. So, I'll call it "wherever your feet want to walk" tour. Hope I can find my favorite spot in that tour and I also hope the weather is not like now. I hope there's a day with more than 10 degree cold. So I won't be freezing. Hope it'll working fine now.

Keep that whole your life and never forget it!

It was another great weekend in Japan. I, once again, met with a great person here.

I was at Kobe, it's a bright sunny day and very cold, this trip was one of my host family's plans. There in Kobe, I met one of their friends from German. Yes, she's the great person I have mentioned before. Her name is Barbara. She is Germany and has been lived in Japan for 28 years long.

We were getting close in a short time. We did hiking together at Kobe Mountain which called Nunobiki area. There's a beautiful herb garden at the top of the mountain. I really enjoyed my time with her. We were talking a lot of things. Then, she told me about New Year ceremony in Japan, after that she asked me "Do you celebrate New Year in special way?" And I gave her answer, "No. Nothing special for New Year but I do have something special in Chinese New Year." And after that, of course she asked me what I usually do on that day. I told her everything I do and my family does on that day. She looks interested in my stories and keeps asking until she found the root of my family. After she knew that, she understood the reason and leaves me a special word. "Please keep that culture whole your life. It's your culture, it's your blood, and it makes you unique. So never forget it, you have to learn that culture more and pass it through generations." I didn't know why, but I felt amazed with her word and reply her suddenly, "Yes. I will."

It's like I have made a promise with her.

After that I felt cherished and happy. Her words like want to say you are interesting because you are different. I really like someone who think to be different is beautiful.

Thanks to you Barbara and of course my host family who met us up.

Kimi no Yume wa nan desu ka?

What's your dream?

That was a question asked by my Japanese friend. I was very surprised that time. Nobody asked me that question before. And when somebody asked me, I have no answer….

Oohh…what a shame! I even can't answer the question about myself. I felt very terrible that time.

Now, I'm thinking "what's my dream? Are there something that I aim for?", and I just realized that I never asked that question to myself. I don't have any target; I don't have any plan even it for myself. I also realized that I never be serious to everything I do because I don't have any specific goal. All my goals were short term goal only. Now, I'm thinking…. What will I do for my own future? What should I do to get it?

I should copy the Japanese that set their future and struggle to get it.

It's another note for me...(Thanks to Atsumi Komatsubara who asked me this question)

Distance could make everything ordinary become precious...

5 ordinary things when I was in Indonesia and now it become precious for me:

1. Family

Before:

When I miss them, I could simply pick up my phone and call them. After that I'll rather cherished even I'm not meet them directly (because I think I can meet them anytime I want).

Now:

Even I could simply call them like before, there's still something different. The difference is the distance. I can hear their voice but I don't think I can meet them everytime I want because of the distance. Even they often call me...yet I still feel lonely.

2. Friends (In Indonesia of course)

Before:

I never think about the failed plan with them before because I just simply think, If we can't do that think together rite now we still have another day to do that plan.

Now:

I even can't make a plan to have fun together with them. I can't talk freely, I can't do every usual (or maybe silly) things that we did before, I also lost our lunch time. Again, it's because of the distance.

I do have lots of friends here, but the atmosphere is totally different. We aren't share the same perspective or language. Our humor is completely different. Sometime I can't understand them very well. We have a really different culture (sometime it's not bad though). Because of that, I can't really express the "real" I and it's kinda frustrating in some ways and time.

3. Foods

Before:

I really really like Japanese food, Chinese food, and Western food.

Now:

I miss Indonesian traditional foods very much. It's a pity for me because before I came here to Japan, I always thought that I won't miss that food because I ate it very rarely. But the reality now says something different.

4. Lunch and Dinner Time

Before:

I considered my lunch time everyday just like an ordinary thing that I'll repeat it every single day.

Now:

I miss the lunch time both with family and with friends. I usually talk lots of things while eating my lunch. Now, I always have a very silent lunch and dinner time.

5. My room

Before:

Someone always disturb me when I was in my room. Sometime I want to shout at them "Can you give me a privacy when I'm in my room!?"

Now:

My room consist only me myself and 4 walls plus 1 roof. Finally, I get my privacy but now it doesn't make me feel happy. I miss the sounds when someone knock on my door or shout my name from outside to call me.

Because of distance, now I feel a lil bit shocked. Even a small occasion that I always repeat every day before, now become a worth thing that I can't get by all means. It becomes precious… very precious…. The distance really can change every single things in my life.

Mecha Samui Yo!

Duh sekarang di Jepang duingin ga karuan padahal baru awal musim gugur nih........ Daun-daun baru pada mulai ganti warna. Tapi duinginnnya sudah berhasil membuatku setengah hidup disini. Bayangkan di siang hari yang panas suhunya 20 derajat sedangkan klo malam suhunya bisa sampe 10 derajat. Klo udah malem sudah ga keluar dari kamar deh. Harus pake baju lapis 10 klo mau keluar (berlebihan banget -_-"). Yah pokoknya begitu deh.... gimana klo musim dingin ya???? Awawawawawa.............

Osaka-Jo!

Ini adalah kali kedua aku ke Osaka-Jo atau bisa juga kita sebut Benteng Osaka. Perjalanan kesini pertama kali adalah ketika baru saja tiba di Jepang. Kokusai sentaa (international center)dari 桃山学院大学 (Momoyama Gakuin Daigaku) tempatku belajar disini mengadakan acara jalan-jalan bersama sebagai hadiah selamat datang di Jepang. Tapi waktu itu lagi hujan jadi kurang have fun disini. Maklum waktu dateng masih musim panas jadi hujan sering turun.

Nah sekarang aku main-main sendiri kesini sendiri sebagai salah satu tujuan tur seharian di Osaka (biar ga rugi beli one day pass ticket. hahahaha...). Nah cuaca cerah dan benteng terindah di Osaka ini tampak jauh lebih keren dengan sinar matahari yang menerpanya. Hahahahaha.....

Bayangkan betapa angkuh dan megahnya benteng ini berdiri walaupun sudah dua kali (rasanya...kalo ga salah sih) kalah saat digunakan untuk berperang alias berhasil diduduki musuh. Hmmmm......