Freakin Out!

The worst thing that I've ever had is think that my stress could disappear as time goes by.

And now, it makes me under a big pressure. Rather than disappear, it's accumulated. Always in moody state, don't know what happen inside me, and I just let it happen. It's like I want to scream out loud but no voice could come out. There's a time I want to say that I can't do it, but everybody always said "Oh, come on, I know you can do it!" from time to time. Even I really can do it, please give me a break at least. I don't want to break your expectations on me but have you really think that I'm just a human that have lots of limitation and have problems also? I don't want to blame someone for this; I just want you to understand me a little so I can feel fewer burdens than before. I'm really exhausted with all of this. I laugh but not happy, there are friends but lonely, I just feel that I'm totally a stranger who doesn't know anything. Even me, myself, I can't recognize it anymore. Always feel that I lost my community, can't accept what I have to accept, have a high expectations on something that I don't have to pay attention on it. I want you to know about my problems but you seem too busy to hear my blabbering. Many times I give SOS signal but nobody realize it or they just pretend. That kind of thinking always appears in my head. It's my paranoia of course but I can't let it go easily.

Now, I feel that I can't stand it anymore. I try to write it because I'm very bad at telling it. I'm really conscious these stresses decrease every part of me both mind and body. I lost my appetite, start to have some digestive problems, difficult to think and speak in order, sleep disorder problem, moody. Recently I also skipped lots of class because I always feel in bad condition, feel extra tired even I have sleep more than 7 hours, some problem with my digest system also appeared frequently like vomiting. I really need a time for relax, I need time to adjust everything and make it on the right track again, I need time to manage everything, and I need you to say if there's some changes in me that not fit to you, I need you to say whether I should slower my pace or fastening my speed so we can walk together and nobody left behind. I need your help, so I can adapt myself to my new community that I never know before………

I'm just an ordinary people, never become the best one, have been failed so many times, just like all of you……………..